Chris Bruno (the sheriff from TV's The Dead Zone) is cast as Beowulf, here using his Shakespeare-in-the-park voice to try and make himself sound more befitting the time period. It only succeeds in making him a one-note character with a monotonously stoic voice. There's also no getting around him looking like Groo the Wanderer's alcoholic Viking cousin. He and all the Geats run around dressed in Viking garb, but Bruno is the lucky one who gets to wear a horned helmet because, well, he's Beowulf, dammit! Beowulf is constantly flanked by young wannabe adventurer Finn - think Bucky to his Captain America.

GRENDEL opens with Beowulf saving some nameless village by slaying one of the giant snakes from BOA VS. PYTHON that's apparently been terrorizing these people for awhile. Beowulf makes it known that this was just his warm-up before the main event - slaying that Grendel creature that all the cool Danes have been talking up. As a reward for killing the giant serpent, the king of this whatever land rewards Beowulf with a weapon that will help him in his upcoming smackdown with the reigning monster champion, Grendel. That weapon turns out to be an enormous, tricked out crossbow. We're talking sniper scope and large, dual bayonet blades on the front of it, and it fires explosive arrows too. As a Dane later describes the crossbow, "It fires an arrow with the strength of a hundred men." Someone wanna remind me what century this movie is taking place in? Epic poem be damned; historical accuracy is over in the corner downing some hemlock. Welcome to the Sci-Fi Channel, Beowulf.



Suddenly that Christopher Lambert starring, martial arts, science fiction version of BEOWULF that came out several years back doesn't seem so goofy anymore?

It only took GRENDEL five minutes to make viewers ask, "This is a joke, right?" Nope. No joke. The current hot trend with the Sci-Fi Channel's original movie division is what they term "creative re-imaginings" of various mythological, legendary, and literary tales. Just read the article I wrote days ago about a slate of new films Sci-Fi has in the works, mostly "creative re-imaginings," such as THE ODYSSEY featuring vampires and Sherlock Holmes battling a supernatural banshee. GRENDEL follows suit creatively re-imagining BEOWULF as a dumbed down lost episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, but minus the humor or the sense that everyone involved are in on the joke. That GRENDEL is so dreadfully humorless is especially bothersome since the movie is just too corny to work as a straightforward, serious attempt to re-tell the legendary tale, which is exactly what everyone on the screen seems to think they are starring in. You'd have thought the super crossbow of doom and, later on, the catapults that launch explosive balls of fire would have been enough to convince everyone both in front of and behind the camera to put a more tongue-in-cheek spin on things. I know I've often criticized the tongue-in-cheek approach, but this one desperately needed some levity. I don't care if it is a tall tale involving monsters and impossible feats, you've got Beowulf running around first century AD with what amounts to a freaking rocket launcher for crying out loud! Realism hasn't just left the building; it got thrown out a ten-story window.

The Beowulf of legend is a man of great nobility, loyalty, and courage. The writers of GRENDEL portray hints of all that, but mostly they portray him, especially early on, as a braggadocios pseudo-celebrity in constant search of a new challenge, not to thwart some great evil, but so that his name will continue to be the source of heroic tales throughout the known world. He should be named Gloryhound instead of Beowulf what with how he constantly talks of stories being all men have and his dedicating his very existence to being the star of many of as many of  those stories as possible. The screenwriters couldn't seem to make up their minds, constantly having Bruno pull back so that he ends up playing Beowulf as a braggart who isn't boisterous like a braggard should be and as a hero whose motivations often seem to have little to do with heroism. I couldn't shake the feeling that they'd have been better off making this Beowulf a cocky trash talker like The Rock was during his WWF days. He should be talking about himself in the third person, shouting stuff like, "Finally, Beowulf has come back to Denmark!" and talking about the times he, "layeth the smacketh downeth on thou's asses of candy."

As they set sail to Denmark, Beowulf relays the legend of Grendel to young Finn. Grendel, born from the Nephalim that survived the great Flood (A creature of Scandinavian folklore now has a biblical origin?) has been terrorizing the Danes to such a degree that the once great warrior King Hrothgar was eventually forced to abandon his palace and live amongst the villagers. Their two sons confronted Grendel and one son cowardly left his brother behind to die at Grendel's hands in order to save himself. The stress of the situation has caused the Queen (Star Trek: The Next Generation's Marina Sirtis, looking rather old and haggard and not entirely because of the character she's playing) to go crazy; her madness expressed through how increasingly clownish her make-up becomes. The Danes' spirits are broken. They need a hero. They're holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong. And he's gotta be fast. And he's gotta be fresh from the fight. They need a hero.

Beowulf and the Geats arrive in Denmark and are immediately confronted by Grendel. Beowulf succeeds in instantly scaring off the previously thought invulnerable monster with a single errant blast from his super crossbow of doom. Grendel no like fire, especially the kind that explodes. Beowulf then goes to meet King Hrothgar and informs him that he's there to take care of their monster problem. The King digs his snazzy crossbow.

Actor Ben Cross plays King Hrothgar as basically the same world weary sad sack he played in the just released UNDISPUTED 2 (that I reviewed in the January Foyeurism), only this time he gets to do it wearing a crown and he's not actually playing a drug addict in a Russian prison - still essentially the same disposition and mannerisms though. Hrothgar is happy that a great champion has come to slay the beast, but that son that ran away is not pleased with arrival of this celebrity monster slayer.

Grendel only attacks during feasts and celebrations; its evil cannot stand the sounds of good will. Fortunately, the Society for Creative Anachronism is in town along with their friends from the Renaissance Fair and they are all ready to throw a medieval ball at a moment's notice. Finn takes the opportunity to make nice with pretty blonde Ingrid; their romance consisting of one whole conversation before they're suddenly portrayed as boyfriend/girlfriend. Beowulf, meanwhile, continues to prattle on about how the only things men have are their stories,deeply annoying the cowardly son who wants to redeem himself by sword-fighting the great Beowulf. Hrothgar admonishes his son and, after a brief partycrashing by Grendel that does not result with it becoming the death of the party, starts belly aching about how he's going to have to go back to sacrificing children in order to appease the creature. Beowulf vows that this time he won't miss (again).

Look, there's a reason why BEOWULF is called an epic poem. There's just too damn much stuff to try and cram into a 90-minute fluff film like this. Supporting characters and subplots are barely touched upon, and twice the story has to screech to a halt so that first Beowulf and later Hrothgar can backtrack and fill in events that have lead up to current events in the plot. Even the primary storyline suffers from being condensed. The epic final battle between Beowulf and Grendel - the stuff legends are supposed to be made from - clocks in at under a minute. Thank the heavens for that +10 Crossbow with the +6 Explosive Rounds. This occurs about an hour in. The remainder of the film is then devoted to the introduction of Mama Grendel seeking revenge by kidnapping Ingrid; Beowulf and Fin have to go to the rescue. And to top it all off, Beowulf's fight to the death with Grendel's mother lasts only slightly longer than the one with her kid did and it required an assist from young Finn. The concept of what constitutes an epic battle seems to have been lost on the makers of this film.

Newsflash: Except for David vs. Goliath, one punch knockouts are generally not the stuff of legend. The only thing truly legendary about this Beowulf is his five o'clock shadow.



To the film's credit, given the Sci-Fi Channel's history with horribly rendered computer effects, the CGI monsters are surprisingly well done. For some reason Grendel reminded me of a more feral version of Mr. Hyde from VAN HELSING. Grendel's monstrous mother looks like a winged, bat-like creature that one can only assume must have mated with the Abominable Snowman in order to give rise to the more trollish Grendel. Unfortunately, attempts to implement them into shots with the actors were not so successful, and given that the whole point of this movie is warriors battling monsters, usually with swords, it not only limits what interaction can be done between the human actors and the CGI creatures, it all but negates any thrills you should get  from watching man battle monster due to the fight choreography being so limited. Clumsy attempts to integrate computerized gore whenever Grendel guts someone with his mighty claws also fail to achieve anything but snickering.

So to sum it up: dopey interpretation of a classic tale presented way too seriously, lead actor with a monotone voice playing a poorly realized hero, and monster action that's pretty much devoid of thrill or chills. Overall, I never felt bored, but I wasn't all that entertained either. I suppose the film could make for an acceptable time waster, though surely you can find better ways to waste that time. GRENDEL’s a film that doesn't earn any praise nor does it deserve copious amounts of scorn. Mockery, on the other hand, that it most definitely deserves. BEOWULF may be an epic poem, but the Sci-Fi Channel's GRENDEL is epic hokum.

If this is any sign of what's to come with the Sci-Fi Channel "re-imaginings" of classic myth and literature, I for one cannot wait to see Sherlock Holmes kill that banshee with some sort of steampunk-style bazooka.