Regardless, I decided to give ACES: THE MOVIE (named so after the poker website Aces.com that I do believe produced the movie or at least was a major sponsor of) a chance under the impression that what I was going to see would essentially amount to the sort of film you'd get if Andy Sidaris decided to do his version of ROUNDERS. Three hot babes, glitzy locales, a promise of this being an "unrated" version - I was expecting something that at least attempted to be fun and sexy. That's not what I got. ACES is nothing more than a numbing attempt at melodrama about three beautiful card-playing scam artists and their foray into the world of high stakes poker. It's not very sexy or interesting and it's damn sure not exciting. In fact, if anything ACES proves that people playing cards on film is just as dull to watch as techno-thrillers that foolishly think watching people frantically typing away on a keyboard makes for compelling viewing.

Even the few televised poker games I've seen have done a better job building up tension than this film does. The big poker game that ends the movie begins with a lengthy montage introducing us to every single player in the tournament despite the fact that only a few brief minutes of the game will be shown and none of the players in that montage have any impact on the outcome of the game. Director Daniel Zirelli's only trick is showing a close-up of the opposing player's cards on the table followed by a close-up of the actress' blank expression eyes accompanied by a voiceover of her mulling over the possibilities. Other than that it's just stone-faced people sitting around a table playing cards. Boring.

ACES is also one of the most flagrantly misleading uses of the "unrated" label I’ve ever seen. Slapping a trio of attractive women, the tagline "Three women. One summer. No limit," and "UNRATED" in big letters on the DVD case is clearly trying to send potential viewers the message that this is going to be a movie with a good deal of hanky panky. It is not. I don't know about you but when a film starring three hot babes touts itself as being "unrated" I expect a bit more than one brief topless shot. Without that one moment ACES probably would be barely deserving of a PG-13 rating.

Smoking hot brunette Brooke is a math major in desperate need of a summer job. Brooke's good friends with an Asian math whiz and online poker fiend named Pieti. Pieti, in turn, is good friends with slutty poker scammer Elle. The first 25 minutes of ACES consists entirely of briefly introducing us to the three women then introducing them to each other, and then we all get introduced to the in's and out's of playing poker via an extended "how-to" sequence disguised as storytelling. The trio team up to make big bucks using their smarts to scam some SoCal high stakes Texas Hold'em poker players. Immediately, we have a bit of problem here. Are we really supposed to be rooting for these cheaters? Apparently so.

As you can see by looking at the DVD artwork above, these three women are quite easy on the eyes if not quite drop dead gorgeous types. They clearly weren't hired for their acting skills, although I will say that they're not entirely bad. The problem is that they tend to recite their dialogue as if they're running through their lines in a last minute rehearsal before actually filming the scene. They're just saying things often without any real conviction in their voice to make you believe that they believe any of what they're saying. In other words, the dramatic character and story aspects of the film end up being as monotonous as the card playing scenes are. The fact that the director kept resorting to some sort of musical montage, usually to showcase the film's location shooting, about every 10 minutes should also tell you something.

I'm also not sure why the actress playing Elle is a brunette on the DVD case (the one in the middle) despite being a blonde in the movie. And you'd think the actress playing Brooke would be front and center since she is the main character. Heck, I'm not even sure why the character of Pieti was even included since her only real contribution to the plot was to introduce Brooke to Elle. She's sort of the third wheel of this trio.

After racking up a nice amount of dough, Brooke, who has now begun to spend every waking moment watching televised poker in order to hone her non-cheating poker skills, insists they take a trip to Las Vegas for inspiration. Elle makes it known that they're not quite ready to take on the big boys of Vegas poker just yet, and even if they were it wouldn't happen because Elle has been kicked out of every major casino in Vegas and a cloud of suspicion would befall anyone seen with her. She's not kidding either. There's a scene a little later on where she's ID'd and shown the door the moment she enters one of these Vegas poker parlors.

Off to Vegas they go so that they can lounge by a swimming pool in their bikinis and catch the eye of Fang Chow, a poker playing bigshot with some potentially shady underworld connections. He will sort of become the movie's villain.

Mr. Chow invites the ladies to a big money game and ends up getting scammed out of $100,000. Unfortunately, the rush proves to be too much for young Brooke. She sneaks off to one of the casinos in the middle of the night and loses it all at the poker tables (off-camera). Not surprisingly, Elle and Pieti are mortified and the girls have a falling out. Brooke, however, can't get poker out of her system. Unfortunately, Mr. Chow has used his connections to have Brooke banned from every poker parlor on the West Coast. Poor Brooke has the poker bug so bad she resorts to backyard poker games in the hood amid gunfire in the background.

It almost seems like the movie had a subplot trying to show how easily one can succumb to the dangers of compulsive gambling without actually acknowledging the dangers of compulsive gambling. The way this brief subplot plays out feels quite awkward to say the least. Given that one of the biggest backers of the film is an online gambling website perhaps they weren't too keen on having the dark side of gambling played up in the film. Or, more likely, this was just another example of shoddy storytelling - quite likely given the ineptitude of the entire third act.

SPOILER!!! The girls reunite after receiving an invitation to attend a big money Texas Hold'em tournament in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Brooke is confronted in their hotel room by Fang Chow. He informs her that her friends have been kidnapped (off-camera) and that he sent them the invitation so that he could lure them down there to win his money back. Also, Brooke's going to have to play without using any of the sneaky tactics they'd been using. He wasn't counting on Brooke turning into a legit poker playing prodigy capable of wiping the card table with best players in the world. It comes down to her and Mr. Chow, who is convinced she's somehow cheating again. She wins, he pitches a fit; she insists she didn't cheat and offers to pay him back the money they'd originally swindled him out of. He then decries that it was never really about the money. Brooke is soon reunited with her Elle and Pieti; they proceed to tell her about how they were taken to Chow's villa and it was actually a very nice place to hang out at except for the armed guards that wouldn't let them leave. I swear I'm not making that last part up. Chow rolls up in his fancy car and presents Brooke with her million dollar poker winnings and happily congratulates her on her victory. The three hotties put on their bathing suits again and celebrate in the Rio surf. The end.

Ummm... whatever.

About the only audience I can see this movie appealing to are hardcore poker players and I'm talking about the types so hardcore that they eat, sleep, and dream poker. Even then I question whether they'll be all that entertained. ACES isn't so much bad as it is just dull. Okay, that third act was awful. A movie of this type needs to much livelier than this was. The only things not flat are the lead actress' busts. In my opinion, a better title would have been FLOP: THE MOVIE. See, "flop" is a common poker term so it fits. Believe me, it fits.

Coincidentally, director Daniel Zirilli had another movie hit DVD shelves on the very same day as ACES entitled THE CHAMPAGNE GANG that looks to be more or less the same exact film except the hot babes are bank robbers instead of card sharks. I think I'm going to pass on that one.