The plot to 666: THE CHILD is pretty cut and dry. TV anchorwoman Erika Lawson and her husband Scott decide to adopt an adolescent she reported about on the news, the lone survivor of a terrible plane crash. Little do they know the kid is the Antichrist. You can pretty much guess where it goes from there.

I finally broke down, went to Blockbuster, and decided rent the 666: THE CHILD as my civic duty to you the readers. So how did The Asylum's latest quickie attempt to capitalize on a theatrical release turn out? Let's put it this way. As a horror movie, 666: THE CHILD is absolutely worthless. As an OMEN rip-off, 666: THE CHILD is hopelessly inept. As an "I cannot believe how freakin' stupid this movie is" MST3K worthy film, 666: THE CHILD is a real humdinger.

I got about ten minutes in when I realized this one was going to require a special kind of review from me - a real time review. Instead of just writing a full-fledged review of the movie I instead started the film over and began transcribing my real time thoughts as the movie went along. I think you'll find this more entertaining and informative than a typical full-fledged review. Beware of heavy spoilers, assuming you give a damn about having this movie spoiled.

00:00:45 - The name of the child actor playing the Antichrist is Boo Boo Stewart. What kind of sick and twisted parents name their child after Yogi Bear's sidekick?

00:02:15 - Flight 7666. Way to kick things off with as little subtlety as possible.

00:02:45 - Plane crash. A lone survivor walks among the wreckage. This looks like a scene from FEARLESS but with Jeff Bridges replaced by one of the Children of the Corn.

00:03:10 - Congratulations are in order for actress Sarah Lieving. Your Erika Lawson character has officially replaced Tea Leoni's DEEP IMPACT anchorwoman as the least credible TV news anchor in movie history. Like Leoni but to the next power, your highly awkward attempts to convey a sense of sadness in regards to the tragic plane crash come across more like someone absolutely petrified to be on TV.

00:03:25 - I think she just had a quiet orgasm on the air.

00:04:00 - Whoever did the post-production sound work on this film should be shot. I hate it when you have to keep cranking the audio to hear the dialog and then quickly turn it down when the sound effects start blasting.

00:05:05 - You're in the hallway of a busy hospital. Why are you people whispering?

00:06:15 - Hubby Scott is sitting on the bed rolling a joint. Ah, that explains her awkwardness on camera - she's stoned!

00:07:00 - I can't stop thinking about that kid I reported about on the news. Let's adopt him.

00:07:20 - For the love of all that is holy... Stop whispering!

00:08:50 - Bedridden in the hospital, Antichrist uses his mental powers of evil to kill a pair of orderlies having sex somewhere else in the hospital. Why? Why not? He is the Antichrist. Might as well kill random people for no particular reason.

00:09:00 - Scott Lawson is a former battlefield cameraman; at least he was until he got a serious shrapnel wound to the leg. They're dwelling on this too much for it not to come into play later, but given what I've seen thus far from this film it will probably never actually factor into the plot.

00:11:00 - Do Catholic orphanages usually hold press conferences to raffle off a child in the same way Bob Barker brings out a dog on "The Price is Right" and encourages a viewer at home to adopt it?

00:12:00 - We here at Our Lady of His Blessed Blood take great care in making sure our children do not end up in the hands of less than suitable guardians and both of you work in the wicked entertainment industry I despise. However, Mrs. Lawson, I'm a big fan of your work so I'm going to let you have the kid of your choice after just one interview. Is this what it was like when Angelina Jolie adopted her third world orphans?

00:13:00 - Seriously, is this movie supposed to be a rip-off or a parody of THE OMEN?

00:14:00 - The Antichrist is named Donald. Just doesn't have the same zing to it as Damien.

00:15:15 - Donald looks like one of the Children of the Corn dressed for a piano recital.

00:18:50 - Former Vietnam bomber pilot Grandpa has become the designated babysitter. He's so rambunctious that if he didn't have any shins his first name could be Cotton.

00:19:45 - A creepy looking nun on the side of the road stares ominously at Scott as he drives by. I think she might just be needing directions to Silent Hill.

00:20:12 - A game of catch ends with Donald taking a baseball ball to the mush. Way to go, Gramps; they've had a kid for 24 hours and you already broke him.

00:22:30 - Donald refuses to open his mouth for the dentist. A horrible, bloody demise for the dentist and his nurse by way of the dentist's drill. Good luck explaining that one.

00:23:44 - Two people just got slaughtered with a dentist's drill with the kid in the room and somehow this has just got swept under the rug as an unfortunate incident. This movie was meant to be a parody right?

00:25:20 - Payback time, Gramps. You hit me in the face with a baseball so I'm going to have you get slashed to death by your own ceiling fan.

00:26:00 - Nobody else in the house heard Grandpa's loud agonizing screams? Again, this is a parody right?

00:27:48 - You've had this kid for 24 hours and three people have died horrible bloody deaths. Isn't it time to start asking questions?

00:30:00 - Does Scott ever not wear a ski cap?

00:30:30 - Creepy crazy nun seriously in need of a bath is suddenly in the living room screaming about Donald being the Antichrist. Call the cops? No, just shoo her out the door.

00:32:20 - Creepy crazy nun seriously in need of a bath just became roadkill. The Antichrist has the power to control 4x4's. The Left Behind series totally neglected to mention this terrifying fact.

00:33:10 - Erika is being offered a network anchor position. Scott accuses her of being too intentionally melodramatic on the air. Not the adjective I'd have used but he's on the right track no less.

00:34:05 - News report on creepy crazy nun seriously in need of a bath's death. Their stock photo of her looks like a pic that could be on the cover of Fangoria.

00:35:25 - Maybe it's a therapeutic ski cap Scott wears. I wonder if his leg isn't the only part of his body that took shrapnel.

00:36:56 - Lucy, the new live-in nanny has already arrived. Kiss subtlety goodbye again as the film wastes no time letting us know that she works for the Little Devils Nanny Service?

00:42:00 - Donald tells adopted dad that nuns abused him in the orphanage and then they got burned to death in a fire. I think Scott is finally starting to realize that something isn't quite right with this kid.

00:43:20 - Gratuitous nudity!!! It's always the nanny in movies like this, isn't it?

00:43:52 - The Lawson's have been parents now for a couple days and dead Grandpa, Scott's best friend Tony, and Satan's wet nurse have spent more time with the kid than them. It's like they went to the pound and adopted a dog, not a child.

00:45:00 - You know what would make this film better? Bigfoot. Everything's better with Bigfoot. 666: THE CHILD has a distinct lack of Bigfoot, and boy does this movie need some Sasquatch about now.

00:46:30 - Tony is deeply disturbed to discover that Donald likes to draw gory pictures and use obscene language. Does that really make Donald different from many other pre-teens these days?

00:49:00 - Room 666. Lay it on any thicker and I could smear it on a cracker.

00:52:00 - The badly burned priest that ran the orphanage tells Scott he adopted the Antichrist. It feels like this movie skipped a whole reel somewhere along the way?

00:53:00 - "This is bullshit!" I concur.

00:55:10 - Tony, could you go down into the basement so that Donald can make the power tools go all Maximum Overdrive on your ass.

00:55:55 - Tony's still screaming even after having just taken a buzzsaw directly to the face and forehead. You have to admire a person with that much will to live.

00:56:00 - Nevermind.

00:58:50 - Scott isn't wearing his ski cap. These truly are the end times.

00:59:15 - Think your adopted son might be the Antichrist and you don't know what to do? God invented Google for a reason.

01:01:40 - Scott's kicking Lucy out of the house. Hey, it's not her fault you got seduced by the satanic nanny in front of a webcam that then got emailed to your wife away on a business trip.

01:03:40 - Erika Lawson just took a fatal fall through a glass shower door after having been absent from the film for a full half hour. All I can think right now is "Why?" I'll leave it to you to deduce how many different aspects of this film I'm asking that about.

01:05:15 - Donald attacks Scott. Scott sees the numbers 666 right there on Donald's tongue. This movie is a freakin' parody!

01:05:30 - Lucy shows up with a gun and shoots Scott.

01:05:45 - Gun must have had only two bullets in it because now she's charging him with a knife.

01:05:50 - Important safety tip: when the person you're charging holds up a fireplace poker, stop charging them!

01:05:55 - Lucy just got skewered, but not nearly as badly as the skewering this preposterous movie deserves.

01:07:10 - And now comes the part where the film shamelessly rips off the ending to The Omen. There's never a cop around when you need one, but there's always a trigger-happy policeman nearby when you're trying to kill the Antichrist.

01:08:00 - Donald has now been adopted by a Martha Stewart wannabe. What the hell is going on?

01:09:05 - "Have you ever seen such a beautiful boy?" I got a better question. Have you ever seen an OMEN rip-off with an adolescent Antichrist made up to look any less blatantly evil from beginning to end? Why didn't they just give him horns and a forked tail while they were at it and skip any pretenses of subtlety?

01:09:40 - Here comes the closing credits already, and they're moving by in super slow motion too. Probably going to be 8-10 minutes worth to pad out the film to a more respectable length.

01:11:35 - Oh my God! The nanny's full name was LUCY FIR! That sound you just heard was my hand slapping my forehead.

01:17:10 - "No demon children were hurt during the production of this screenplay." The closing credits have suddenly taken a Naked Gun comedic spin. This really was a friggin' parody.

01:17:15 - "Why are you still reading this? Go back to the video store and rent another Asylum film. You know you want to."

No.