Nothing says "I love you" quite like the gift of imploding large buildings. I know that probably sounds like a rather odd, not to mention extreme, way by which to prove your love for a woman but then none of you are "The Love Bomber". Woman can't resist a man that can make shit blow up. Why do you think Michael Bay gets laid as much as he does?

With today being Valentine's Day I decided what better day to review the 1984 made-for-TV movie CITY KILLER, the romantic tale of an deranged stalker's quest to prove his worth to the woman he loves by demolishing infrastructure. This is the kind of movie the big three TV networks rarely make anymore, although I'm not entirely sure if that's a good or a bad thing. CITY KILLER really isn't bad so much as it is just an utterly preposterous thriller. This film was made before the murder of My Sister Sam actress Rebecca Schaeffer that really made the reality of women being tormented by a crazed stalker something to be taken very seriously. CITY KILLER tries to take it seriously but betrays itself at every turn.

At the time that CITY KILLER was made, young Heather Locklear was riding a wave of popularity thanks to her roles on ABC programs T.J. Hooker and Dynasty. If you ever want to know why young Heather was never able to parlay that success into an actual big screen movie career then just take a look-see at her unenthusiastic performance in this melodramatic schlock. Here, sporting the most obscene case of 80s Linda Evans' hair not actually found on the head of Linda Evans in the 80s, Heather Locklear plays businesswoman Andrea McKnight, a young woman with a flourishing career at a Chicago securities firm. She also has a dark secret: she's been moving all over the country off and on for the past five years all because of her ex-boyfriend turned full on stalker, Leo Kalb. As we'll come to learn, Leo seemed like a nice guy at first (she actually claims that their relationship initially began because she felt sorry for him) but she soon came to realize that he was several McNuggets short of a Happy Meal. When she attempted to break off the relationship, he began following her and calling her and hanging up. There was even an incident involving a bomb being placed in her parents' mailbox that the cops were never able to prove.

Now Leo has found her again. She immediately spurns him again, and his response is to impress her by causing an abandoned high rise to implode a few blocks from the street corner she's standing on. As he tells her, anyone can blow up a building, but to make a building implode like he does takes a special kind of man with a special kind of skill (thus confirming his inadequacy issues). Leo then calls up a TV station after the initial demolition, dubs himself "The Love Bomber," and threatens to do it again unless he's paid $2 million and a plane for two destined for Costa Rica is awaiting him and Andrea at the airport.

The Love Bomber? Was the really the best name he could have come up with? Why not the Ex-Ploder (He was her "ex"-boyfriend after all) or The Affectionate Imploder? Okay, perhaps those aren't an improvement. Would you still want to go down in criminal history known as The Love Bomber?

A little romantic advice to all you guys out there: if you want to convince the woman that you've been stalking that you're a changed man: don't break into her apartment in the middle of the night waiting for her to come home and change into her nighties before popping out of the shadows to assure her that the therapy you've been getting is working. It's just common sense. That conceit is lost on Leo Kalb, one of the daffiest movie stalkers you'll ever see. Using his former Army Corps of Engineers know-how, Leo decides that the fastest way to a woman's heart is through controlled detonations. As we'll come to learn later on, Leo’s fixation on Andrea stems from her being "so nice" - a phrase used to describe her repeatedly through the film - to him when they briefly dated. His prior girlfriend had done quite a number on his manhood by either making fun of the size of his penis and/or calling him a lousy lover. We never find out exactly but this is what we’re supposed to believe is at the root of his psychosis and the reason why he couldn't accept being rejected by a "so nice" woman that didn't degrade him. Makes you wonder how many potential catastrophes have been prevented by penis enlargement surgeries.

On the plus side, TV vet Terrance Knox is quite entertaining playing the part of the poorly written loon. There's much joy to be had listening to this supposedly menacing madman on the phone constantly referring to the cops as "those turkeys" and chastising them for thinking he's "just some bozo from down the street." Actual dialogue that's repeated more than once, folks. The best of all is his big denouement at the film's finale when he flips out and tells everybody, "You're stupid!" Usually you don't hear such lines coming out of the mouth of a movie baddie that isn't either 10 years old or a PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE alien.

Step two in his plan to win back Andrea's heart is to lure her out of the securities company building she works in so that he can implode it. Leo's not a complete monster so he calls the authorities and gives them fifteen minutes to clear the building. While everyone else evacuates, Andrea's boss can't leave without his pet mouse and then just has to go chase it down a hallway when it gets loose. Just when you're rolling your eyes at the notion of this guy potentially getting himself killed just to save a mouse, the portly boss suddenly experiences a heart attack after taking about ten steps down the hall. One of Andrea's co-workers has to go help carry the cardiac-challenged boss down the stairs, but the boss dies and the co-worker has to leaves his corpse in the stairwell so that he can make a break for it himself. Then Leo detonates the building. This minor supporting co-worker character whose plight had suddenly become a major point of suspense is killed and nobody mourns. A news report later confirms nine deaths. Who were the other seven? Nobody cares. Leo calls to tell Andrea that he did it so she wouldn't have to go back to work and this way they'll have more time to spend together for, like say, a trip to Costa Rica.

The TV reports that the actions of the "Love Bomber" have prompted the complete and total evacuation of downtown Chicago (Because of two building being imploded and 9 dead bodies?), which from the looks of the movie is accomplished in all of about three hours. That definitely tops the half a day evacuation of Manhattan in the '98 GODZILLA. Helicopters patrol the skies as the National Guard rolls in. Martial law is imposed in a major metropolitan area all because of a guy calling himself the "Love Bomber" mind you. Despite having Chicago in lockdown, the involvement of state and federal authorities, and knowing the identity and physical appearance of the person they are seeking, Leo Kalb remains at large.

Naturally, the Chicago police have been on the case ever since Andrea told them what Leo did after the first demolition. I do believe CITY KILLER may have a record number of "person on the phone trying to keep the bad guy on the line so the police can trace the call" scenes. Assigned specifically to Andrea's protection is Detective Eckford ("Eck" as he's known for short), played by Gerald McRaney, who you may remember from the show Simon & Simon. He played Simon. No, not that Simon, the other Simon. Since Eck is still grieving from the death of his wife, he and Andrea find solace comforting one another in a one-on-one therapy sort of way. Eck can't seem to help but constantly stare longingly at Andrea in a manner that leaves you thinking that he wouldn't mind bombing a few buildings for her himself. As ludicrous as the whole building bombing stalker angle is, nothing in the film is more unbelievable than when Andrea and Eck actually do become lovers. More like "Ick" if you ask me. Post coitus, they snuggle on the couch and stare at a picture of his dead wife. Seriously.

The delusional Leo is annoyed by his belief that Andrea isn't actually assisting the police but being manipulated by them to do him in. He then throws a major temper tantrum on the phone that is followed up with a rather comical montage of about four more buildings going kaboom. Imagine how he'd react if he found out Andrea was making the beast with two backs with Major Dad. Even more amazing is Andrea - a woman that has spent much of the movie whining about how miserable her life has been on the run the past five years from this lunatic who has now killed several people and left a major US city in a state of terror - gives the authorities grief over their plan to use her as bait in order to give the snipers a clear shot. She's not mad about being used as bait; she's made because they plan to kill him in front of her. She finally relents after the power of Gerald McRaney's mustache compels hers to cooperate. Do not underestimate the power of a Gerald McRaney mustache ride.

The sufficiently idiotic finale has Leo setting up one last potential detonation after slipping past the military by driving up in an Army jeep dressed like a soldier and barking orders at the dimwitted soldiers standing guard; they instantly assume a guy in uniform barking orders at them automatically means he's a commanding officer whose commands must be obeyed without a second thought. The final confrontation takes place on the very building he's rigged to blow. Here Andrea finally empowers herself by fooling Leo into a false sense of security long enough for a police sniper to take him down. Of course, that would be too clean an ending, and so the mortally wounded Leo stills tries to push the button only to get shot again, this time by Eck. Again, too clean an ending. Leo collapses right down on the dead man switch. Fortunately, unlike the previous implosions that saw almost instantaneous collapse, this particular detonation didn't cause the building to collapse until Eck and Andrea had sufficient time to get into a waiting helicopter and takeoff. The end.

One thing you're probably wondering is how in the world did a cheap TV movie from the early 80s pulls off the special effects required for seeing huge inner-city buildings collapse. Answer: who needs special effects when you can just use actual film footage of real life building detonations? Saves a bundle on production costs but at the expense of the viewer chuckling as they recognize some of the footage shown of very famous demolitions from the 70s that had already been in circulation for years prior to this film being made as evidence by the often noticeable change in the picture quality when it cut to a building being brought down in spectacular fashion. If you've ever seen the music video for the David Bowie/Queen duet "Under Pressure" then you've already seen the footage every implosion shown in the film.

And to think Heather Locklear probably believes RETURN OF SWAMP THING was the silliest film she ever starred in.