Anyone remember a really awful comedy from 2000 called READY TO RUMBLE; a moronic comedy starring David Arquette about two pro wrestling fans trying to help their favorite wrestler, a Jerry “The King Lawler” type played by the woefully miscast Oliver Platt, get his job back after getting screwed over by a crooked promoter, as if there’s any other kind in this business? The people responsible for this movie were clearly brain dead themselves because they thought they were going to appeal to wrestling fans by making a movie that perpetuated every single negative stereotype about wrestling fans there is. Heck, even many of the actual pro wrestlers that appeared in the movie hated being in it.

Now what if I told you that back in 2001 somebody made a low budget, R-rated knock-off of READY TO RUMBLE that’s even more clueless about professional wrestling and less humorous too, so much so that it sat on a shelf for nearly four years before getting dumped onto DVD with zero fanfare? The movie is called SLAMMED! The only video store I've even seen it in is Movie Gallery and I now curse their existence for enabling me to rent this film.

A perfect example of how clueless the movie is when it comes to wrestling occurs in the opening minutes when the two leads are watching a wrestling match and one of them comments, "Oh, that is so Stone Cold Steve Austin" in response to one of the moves performed. The move we’re shown that inspired this comment was nothing more than a standing reverse chinlock, one of the most basic pro wrestling moves there is. Yeah, when wrestling fans think of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin they don’t think about the Stone Cold Stunner or him stomping a mud hole in someone or downing 10,000 beers in less than three minutes. No, they immediately think standing reverse chinlock. I can only suspect that if the move had been a half-nelson then they’d have immediately reacted, “That is so The Rock.”

SLAMMED! is set in the world of "Back Bar wrestling,” which is basically backyard wrestling set inside a bar. WWE level wrestling is constantly referred to as "The Arena". I don't know if that is supposed to be the name of the big national wrestling company, a local arena where major league wrestling is held, or just a term used to describe non-indy wrestling. Anyone who knows anything about the insides of pro wrestling knows that they practically have their own language. This movie was clearly not written by any "smart" to the business. Even the two main characters are portrayed as believing that the Back Bar wrestling matches are legit, whereas only "The Arena" wrestling has predetermined outcomes, and that is why they consider “The Arena” wrestling to be inferior to Back Bar's.

Justin Whalin, the total dork that was completely miscast as the hero in DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: THE MOVIE, is once again completely miscast as a wannabe pro wrestler and hero of the film. Unless the guy can perform amazing aerial moves like a Mexican luchador, the star of a wrestling movie should never look like he’s 90 pounds soaking wet. His manager (who physically towers over him by at least a foot) is played by one of the sons from “Home Improvement”. I forget which one he is but I do know that he has a three word name, not that it matters anyway. Have any of them ever gone on to do anything else worth a damn? That I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS movie doesn’t count either because I specified “worth a damn”. Anyway, this guy - who would look far more believable as the wrestler than the guy he’s managing - bills himself as the "Vince McMahon of Back Bar", which seems somewhat fitting since he declares himself to be so while hitting on one of the waitresses that works there. Vince McMahon would probably be proud except that the guy comparing himself to McMahon doesn't look like a steroid freak.

WARNING: Looking directly at the above pic can instantaneously lower your IQ.

This lowly bar somehow has its own female dance troupe that performs before matches like the WCW Nitro Girls used to do. The sad thing is that they display better dance choreography than the actual WCW Nitro Girls ever did. Most of these dancers are played by models, including former Miller Lite “catfight” girl Kitana Baker, who herself would go on to participate in a horrendous match at Wrestlemania a few years back. All of these "actresses" have at least one scene where they take their tops off, and let me just say that these women sport some of the least appealing boob jobs I've ever seen. The only one that gets to keep her top on just happens to be the only one played by a real actress, Lake Bell, star of NBC’s “Surface”. Boy, she's come a long way. I wonder if she's even aware that this crapfest finally got released.

Remember the dimwitted neighbor from the sitcom “Step By Step;” the one that got fired from the show after his wife accused him of spousal abuse and then went on to star in movies like KICKBOXER 2 and BLOODSPORT 3 before fading into obscurity? He plays Slammer, the Back Bar wrestler everyone idolizes. I'm not sure why everyone loves him so since his wrestling skills are nothing special and he's something of a bum that sponges off of others outside of the ring, like our heroes, who he tricks into giving him a place to crash for a week by setting up a phony “Win A Week With The Slammer” contest. Slammer is also a physical trainwreck that's addicted to pain medication. Given the sheer number of wrestlers that have died prematurely from mixing pain pills and alcohol there’s nothing that sets itself up for more comedic riffing than a pain pill addicted pro wrestler.

Remember the brainy sister from “Charles in Charge;” the one that wasn’t Nicole Eggert? I don’t know where she’s been since that show went off the air but here she is playing the bad guy's girlfriend. You have no idea why she’s dating this clod since she is constantly portrayed as a smart, sensitive girl and he is a hateful, oafish pretty boy. Of course, as is the law of cinema, she ends up hooking up with the hero. In this case, I’m not entirely sure that would be considered trading up.

This rich kid bad guy is also a piece of work. The filmmakers managed to make him not only an evil backyard wrestler but he also happens to be the arrogant spoiled wealthy son of the guy about to buy out the junkyard owned by the lead's uncle. Wanna guess what the stipulations of the final match are? The rich jerk also has his own henchman named The Eradicator that wrestles in a masked outfit that looks like somebody's homemade Kane costume. And what a bad ass he is. Eradicator is such a bad ass that he’s loses a street brawl with Slammer by simply being pushed into a swimming pool. Eradicator is played by real-life wrestler Aaron Aguilera, who was in WWE for about five minutes until suffering a neck injury that required neck surgery. While recovering, he was promptly released from the company. That Vince McMahon really does have his own luxury suite reserved for him in Hell.

The short-haired brunette from “V.I.P.” and nothing that I know of since pops up late in the movie as Slammer’s ex-girlfriend gone pro, Luscious Lola, the "Queen of the Arena", which I guess means she's supposed to be a more feminine version of Chyna. It appears she also has the power to sign backyard wrestlers and their would be managers to big money contracts without needing approval from whoever the hell is in charge of "The Arena", whatever the hell that is anyway. If that wasn't enough, Tiny Lister (Zeus from Hulk Hogan’s epic masterpiece NO HOLDS BARRED) even shows up briefly as Back Bar's idiot fry cook that deep fries dogshit on his grill and masturbates to a catalog of Russian mail order brides. I won't even mention the lame subplots involving the hero's pot head parents, played by Elaine's boss from “Seinfeld” and ”Dancing With The Stars” 1st runner-up (who it turns out is a huge Slammer fan) and the sassy nurse from “Empty Nest” (who falls madly in lust with Slammer), or the failed attempts at humor involving the bar's sadsack boss and his unlucky in lovelife, or the incredibly unfunny uncle played by an actor doing one of the lamest crazy Randy Quaid impressions you will ever see.

Another truly awful DTV wrestling film called BACKYARD DOGS regularly occupies one of the top spots on IMDB’s Bottom 100, but after enduring SLAMMED!, I’d dare say this is worse. You can laugh at BACKYARD DOGS, something you can’t do with SLAMMED! and SLAMMED! is supposed to be a comedy. The film is just one poorly conceived, poorly executed joke after another and one-by-one they fall completely flat. I didn't laugh once and I can't imagine anyone else either. On the other hand, in the course of the first 30 minutes alone you have topless women with bad implants, masturbation humor, and a running gag about a guy that ate a burrito filled with deep fried dogshit having really bad breath long afterwards... I suspect Vince McMahon would probably rate this movie five stars.