RIDDLES OF THE SPHINX wastes little time getting down to the nitty gritty with the title monster being unleashed in the film's opening moments. An old archaeologist unwittingly does so with this mystical arthropod-looking key/cipher thingamajig. The old guy is actually seeking the Hall of Knowledge. Instead he got death by way of Egyptian mythological monster point-of-view.

The only survivor of the creature's unleashing is tomb raider Jessica (Dina Meyer, STARSHIP TROOPERS, BATS). Describing her as a tomb raider is quite appropriate. One look at Dina Meyer's attire and her penitent for handguns and it's obvious her character is a take-off of Lara Croft. Though Miss Meyer at this point looks more like Lara Croft's really hot aunt.

Jessica rushes back over to North America to the residence of dweeby, high school teaching, widower Robert Parr (Lochlyn Monro, FREDDY VS. JASON, DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS), the son of that old coot killed in the opening. He's got a teen daughter Karen, who is not only wise-beyond-her-16 years, she also looks younger than 16. The ever inquisitive Karen wants to learn everything she can about the grandfather she never knew and will be shocked to discover that her most uncool dad used to be quite the adventurer. It should also come as no surprise to learn that Robert and Jessica used to be an item and that relationship will soon get rekindled. Before any of that can happen there's the matter of the Sphinx following that key/cipher thingamajig anywhere and ready to kill anyone in its way until it gains possession of it.

The Sphinx has the body of a lion, the head of a demon, and the wings of a... They don't actually specify the wing type. The Sphinx is one of the best looking CGI creatures seen in any Sci-Fi Channel movie to date. I'm sure they had to drop a few dimes to get a computer-generated beastie to look that polished; too many dimes, probably, which is why the Sphinx's time on the screen is severely limited. What better way to get around that budgetary restraint than by giving the Sphinx the ability to take human form - hilarious human form. A tall, shirtless, jacked-up bodybuilder type with a 30 DAYS OF NIGHT vampire face attired in cape and tiny pants that look like leftovers from an old sword & sandal flick; the human form Sphinx looks like an Egyptian-themed wrestler the World Wrestling Federation would have had on its roster back during the old Hulk Hogan "Rock 'n' Wrestling" era. At the very least I kept waiting for Kevin Sorbo or Lucy Lawless to show up to fight him.



The Sphinx trashes the Parr's home until Robert cuts a gas line and sends it all up in flames. That only slows it down. Everything only slows it down. Explosions, missiles, gravity ray guns (!), all they ever do is just slow it down temporarily. There's only one thing that can stop it and that's going to require a little globetrotting and ancient riddle-solving. And they have to do it in 48 hours lest the world fall victim to the dreaded "Plague of Isis".

The positively giddy opening half-hour crescendos with the reveal that Robert's dad and Jessica both work for a super secret organization founded by FDR called "Sentinel" that's something of a cross between the government agencies from HELLBOY and Stargate SG-1. Robert used to be a member of the group but quit after father and son had a major falling out, a falling out so severe that he wrote dad out of his life once and for all and told daughter Karen that her grandfather had died a long time ago. Robert claims he chose a normal life away from all the hubbub of Sentinel, yet from the looks of things the facility housing "Sentinel" is just a few blocks from his house.

They also learn that there's a traitor in Sentinel's midst who tricked Robert's dad into unleashing the Sphinx. If you can't figure out who this traitor will turn out to be the very moment they bring up the topic then you need to stick to less complex entertainment like Teletubbies or Hole in the Wall. Here's a hint: there's only other supporting character in the whole dang movie of any significance and he's bald - typically a sign of evil in Sci-Fi Channel movies.

With Dina Meyer in full Lara Croft mode, now it's time for Lochlyn Monro to don his finest costume shop Indiana Jones garb. Munro ends up looking like your blonde-headed friend with the goofy grin who shows up at a Halloween party dressed like Indiana Jones and though he clearly has Dr. Jones' fashion sense it's still just your goofy friend thinking he looks cool. To be fair, that is kind of the point here. Still doesn't make him look any sillier in the outfit.



Off they go trouncing about Iraq, Egypt, and the Mediterranean - Canadian locales doubling for all - looking for magical doorway sites to other dimensions to gather these crystal stones that can be used to defeat the Sphinx. A shiny nickel to anyone who can explain to me why a magical item designed to defeat an Egyptian Sphinx has been hidden away in Greece.

That cipher thingamajig keeps giving them riddles to solve in order to find the locations of these magical locations and once within they then have to solve another riddle to defeat the trap protecting the crystal stones. Most of these scenes end with Dina Meyer making a leaping grab to swipe the stone from its perch an instant before the trap kicks in again.

How tough can these riddles be to solve when a teenage girl armed with a PSP connected to the internet can solve most of these riddles in a matter of seconds? What her PSP can't tell her she already knows; Karen's applied knowledge of math and physics seemed to be greater than that of anyone else in the film and everyone else is supposed to be brilliant in their own right. Having the teen girl come through in the clutch at some point would have been one thing; having her become RIDDLES OF THE SPHINX's Wesley Crusher proves a bit much.

The opening half hour showed so much energy and enthusiasm, more than many Sci-Fi Channel films of late. But then the riddles proved too simplistic, traps too easy to defeat, there's no getting around the budget limitations hindering events, and the Sphinx is reduced to being a minor nuisance that only pops up for seconds at a time in order to be momentarily stalled so the characters can get away and head to the next location. I definitely wanted more Sphinx in my Sphinx movie.