| REVIEW: IMPACT POINT |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|11:40 pm] |
Alrighty, we've got a sunny Southern California beach location, some volleyball equipment, former cast members of "Beverly Hills 90210" and "Melrose Place", and a blonde actress willing to bare her naked derriere on camera even though she doesn't have much of ass; let's make a movie!
Though its title sounds like it could be perfectly suited for either a shoot'em up action movie or a disaster flick, IMPACT POINT (from the writer of the unwatchable BATS: HUMAN HARVEST - shudder) is a lifeless thriller in which every attempt to be suspenseful or sexy falls flat dealing with a competitive beach volleyball player being menaced by one of the least threatening stalkers in stalker movie history: Brian Austin Green of "Beverly Hills 90210" as the world's most laidback stalker. People, the stalker in a stalker movie should never sound like he’s bored with stalking the woman he’s after.
Our stalker victim, Kelly, is a pro beach volleyball player. There's so little going on above and below the surface with her character I got the feeling actress Melissa Keller's instructions from the director consisted of nothing more than being told, "Now you're sad!" "Now you're scared!" "Now you really feel the need to take another shower!"
I'd describe the plot as "rudimentary" except I don't think it’s even that complex. Think the most basic Lifetime Network stalker thriller imaginable combined with the aesthetics of an episode of "Pacific Blue".
Despite bedding Kelly in the first 20-minutes and setting up a hidden camera in her shower, the stalker’s real motive will be revealed to be not sexual obsession but a desire to become infamous by having his name associated with the murder of someone noteworthy. If fame is what he wants then shouldn't he try stalking and killing someone a little more famous than a beach volleyball competitor who wouldn't even have made it into the championships if he hadn't gone out of his way to kill one of her rivals?
Kelly ends up teaming with the partner of her dead rival, Jen, for the big 2-on-2 championship game even though they've never teamed before and Jen initially doesn't even like her. The actress playing Jen is infinitely hotter that the actress playing Kelly in every conceivable way and given her character is a more successful volleyball player too, shouldn't the stalker be stalking her instead?
Jen's also the focal point of the film's most entertaining scene. Her original volleyball partner and best friend having already been murdered and now her boyfriend lies in a coma after being viciously assaulted by Brian Austin Green (bad ass David Silver: not buying it), Jen pours her heart out, tearfully telling Kelly the absurd tale of how she and her boyfriend met. I mean absurd in the sense that this gorgeous girl talks about how surprised she was that her boyfriend, then the best looking jock in school, actually noticed her. Because as we all know from our own experiences in high school (cue sarcasm) the hottest guys and girls rarely ever gravitate towards one another (end sarcasm). Jen then quite suddenly, rather inexplicably, flies into a violent rage and attacks Kelly right there in the hospital waiting room screaming "You ruined my life!" until orderlies pull her off.
Okay, there is one other funny scene later when Brian Austin Green sneaks into Kelly's home by way of a huge rat hole in the living room wall he somehow managed to forge completely unnoticed by both her and the cop assigned to protect her.
Linden Ashby, AKA Johnny Cage of MORTAL KOMBAT and a former cast member of "Melrose Place", as that cop does a fine job talking to Kelly most of the time in a voice just above a whisper, as if to make doubly sure we all understand that he's serious about protecting her while trying to also remain a calming voice. Soothing.
Only Kelly knows the physical appearance of her stalker and, apparently, cop Ashby never thought to bring in a police sketch artist which would have really helped considering it'll turn out her stalker is actually one of the cops assigned to protect her at the upcoming championship tournament, the very tournament her stalker has vowed to kill her at before the entire world - at least the entire world attending the big beach volleyball championships and those few watching at home on ESPN5.
The big tournament consists of the girls playing lots of volleyball, Ashby on lookout for anyone suspicious, and Brian Austin Green just standing around out of the line of sight waiting to make his move. Just another example as to why IMPACT POINT makes for a gripping movie in the sense that you'll probably be gripping your remote looking for something better to watch.
After all that lurking it turns out the psycho’s game plan was just to walk right up to Kelly after the championship match and stab her. But Jen gets in the way and is stabbed by mistake. Kelly really did ruin that poor girl's life.
FOOTNOTE 1: A reliable third-party source has informed me that IMPACT POINT was initially developed to be a name-only DTV sequel to the Robert DeNiro/Wesley Snipes flop THE FAN.
FOOTNOTE 2: The same reliable source has let me know not to put any of the blame on the credited writer. Both IMPACT POINT and BATS: HUMAN HARVEST (shudder again) credit him as the sole writer but his script drafts were both massively rewritten (very badly) by uncredited writers whose anonymity has allowed them to escape blameless. That has to suck. |
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