This past February saw the limited theatrical release of a new comedy starring Paris Hilton. That's strike one. This alleged comedy was universally reviled as not only one of the worst movies of 2008, but one of the worst movies of all time. That's strike two. It would also seem that more film critics saw the movie than actual moviegoers since it was determined only a whopping 28 people paid money to see it opening weekend. Strike three. You're out!

I knew I had to see THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE for myself despite my better judgment telling me otherwise. So there I stood in Blockbuster this past Tuesday night around I'd say 11PM CST staring at an entire shelf of HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE DVDs. The movie had just come out that very day; those copies had been sitting on the shelf waiting to be rented for almost 12 hours, just one rack down was an entire empty shelf where all the copies of IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE which has been out for weeks were rented out; yet from the looks of things I reckon that maybe one copy of THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE had been checked out thus far. I often wonder where the general public will draw the line when it comes to actively supporting crappy movies that don't deserve to be seen. Paris Hilton movies seem to be where they're willing to draw that line. Gotta start somewhere, I guess.

I, however, chose to take the HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE challenge. If you're wondering why it has taken me nearly a week to get around to writing this review, no, it isn't because the movie was so god awful that it left me shell-shocked and unwilling to write about it for fear of experiencing post traumatic stress. Truth is there's just not a whole lot to write about it. Oh, it is unquestionably one of the year's very worst movies. Total dead air, not a single funny line or sight gag to be found; the wittiest thing in the whole movie is a Speed Racer costume the male lead wears to a party. I'm just not sure it really qualifies as all-time bad. As bad as it is, it's more "this sucks" bad, not aggressively bad, constantly assaulting you mercilessly with one lame joke after another like the 20-minutes of DATE MOVIE and 10-minutes of EPIC MOVIE I once saw on cable before I had to change the channel. In a year that has given us MEET THE SPARTANS I kind of suspect HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE isn't even the worst comedy of 2008. I'm sure there are multiple Razzie Awards in its future, but in all honesty, if not for the societal scourge that is Paris Hilton starring in this crap, I doubt most would really care enough about it to even bother going out of their way to revile it.

Basically, what we have here is a 21st century version of the kind of puerile, ultra low budget, 1980's sex comedy, the kind that used to play in heavy rotation on USA Up All Night back in the Nineties. The whole film has the mindset of such a film but with all the naughty stuff that would give the film an R-rating chopped out and someone along the way forgot to cast Eddie Deezen.

Joel Moore of DODGEBALL and HATCHET stars as perpetual loser Nate Cooper, overacting badly much of the time trying to milk laughs that are not there. After his latest relationship goes south he comes to realize he needs to seek out Cristabelle Abbot, the girl he's been opining for ever since elementary school.

Nate seeks out another childhood friend played by a guy billed in the credits as "The Greg Wilson". This guy comes across like a poor man's Horatio Sanz; think for a second about what that entails. The schmuck just happens to have a file on hand labeled "The Hottie" that's like a CIA intelligence file compiled by an obsessed stalker detailing Cristabelle's every waking move. The friend also warns Nate about the Cristabelle's ugly best friend forever since childhood, June Phigg, or as he calls her, the "nottie", a word the friend consistently pronounces as "naughty" as if every time he says "nottie" he's overtaken by the spirit of Sean Connery.

Nate seeks out Cristabelle, now seemingly the object of every Southern California man's desire. Paris Hilton will make her grand entrance as Cristabelle with a jogging scene similar to Bo Derek's slo-mo beach romp in 10. Paris Hilton is no Bo Derek. Though you probably wouldn't label Paris Hilton a nottie (except on personality), she's just not all that hot, certainly not to the degree we see characters falling over themselves for her in this film. It certainly doesn't help that she only has two facial expressions - one happy and one kind of annoyed - and both seem to convey a profound sense of self-satisfaction on her part.

Despite being capable of having any man she wants, she's instantly taken with this modern day Maynard G. Krebs just because they used to go to school together when they were kids. One problem with any budding romance, Cristabelle has sworn off sex (Paris Hilton swearing off sex? Someone alert the Navy that "Fleet Week" is cancelled this year!) until her BFF, June Phigg, finally gets a date. The problem is that June has grown up into an even more hideous creature that he remembers, now with thinning hair, facial hair, rotting teeth, skin and nails rife with pimples, boils, fungus, etc. Everything short of giving her the late stages of leprosy.

The moment we see the adult June Phigg appear on the screen for the very first time you pretty much know everything you need to know about the mentality and the comedic value a movie like this has to offer. Not just a case of having a girl who isn't particularly attractive, June is just some obviously pretty actress (Christine Lakin, giving a better performance than the movie deserves) they've uglied up to an allegedly comical degree. She looks like the daughter of one of Cinderella's wicked stepsisters and a Geico caveman. Most of the film's failed humor is built around pointing out how hideous June is. It's kind of reprehensible when you stop and think about it. But then this is a movie that considers having one of her grotesque toenails flying off into someone's mouth high comedy.

And, of course, the nottie will eventually get a makeover and become beautiful. And, of course, Nate will come to learn that his hottie isn't all she's cracked up to be either (Cue the Paris Hilton farting noises!) And, of course, Nate will come to realize June is really the one for him. I still don't know which was worse: when the movie tried to be funny or when it tried to be heartfelt.

On a picnic date with Cristabelle, Nate is so determined to get with her that he lies about having a friend who would be perfect for June. When Cristabelle dares ask what this guy's name is, a nervous Nate looks around and declares him to be Cole Slaw... son. Cole Slawson, that's the name he came up with. He'll even end up bribing a hapless dork to play the role of Cole Slawson.

Does hearing the name Cole Slawson sound the slightest bit funny to you? If so, this movie's for you. For everyone else, the level of sophomoric humor found in THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE will leave you longing for the sophisticated comedic stylings of a PORKY'S sequel.