Steven Seagal has been kind of notorious for wanting to avoid appearing in any kind of sci-fi or horror-themed movies. It almost happened a few years back with an Anthony Hickox flick SUBMERGED but the whole "mutant" aspect got nixed in favor of generic terrorists shortly before shooting began. Not sure why he's so opposed to such a thing. His own daughter starred in three Gamera movies; what makes him think he's so above the fray? Now it looks like we might finally be getting our wish - sort of.

Moviehole reports that Steven Seagal is appearing in an upcoming action horror movie from cinematographer turned director Richard Crudo called LAST NIGHT. Seagal will play the commander of a special forces unit sent in to deal with a hospital overrun by bloodsucking vampires.

Before anyone starts getting too excited about the prospects of an all-out Steven Seagal battling vampire flick, I decided to do some digging around the web (i.e. Google) and found a wee bit more info about LAST NIGHT. For starters, Seagal's role is reportedly not a large one, little more than a cameo actually. Don’t be at all shocked if he ends up getting the EXECUTIVE DECISION treatment in this one. IMDB lists the main star of the movie as Tanoai Reed AKA "Tao" on the new "American Gladiators".

Also, the vampires are spawned by some sort of mutant virus that has gotten loose in the hospital.

Sony Entertainment will eventually distribute LAST NIGHT on DVD. Don't expect it anytime soon though. It reportedly only finished shooting this past March.

Given the poor quality of so many of his recent DTV efforts, if nothing else, at least being a vampire flick means this is one Steven Seagal flick that's supposed to suck on purpose.

This past February saw the limited theatrical release of a new comedy starring Paris Hilton. That's strike one. This alleged comedy was universally reviled as not only one of the worst movies of 2008, but one of the worst movies of all time. That's strike two. It would also seem that more film critics saw the movie than actual moviegoers since it was determined only a whopping 28 people paid money to see it opening weekend. Strike three. You're out!

I knew I had to see THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE for myself despite my better judgment telling me otherwise. So there I stood in Blockbuster this past Tuesday night around I'd say 11PM CST staring at an entire shelf of HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE DVDs. The movie had just come out that very day; those copies had been sitting on the shelf waiting to be rented for almost 12 hours, just one rack down was an entire empty shelf where all the copies of IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE which has been out for weeks were rented out; yet from the looks of things I reckon that maybe one copy of THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE had been checked out thus far. I often wonder where the general public will draw the line when it comes to actively supporting crappy movies that don't deserve to be seen. Paris Hilton movies seem to be where they're willing to draw that line. Gotta start somewhere, I guess.

I, however, chose to take the HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE challenge. If you're wondering why it has taken me nearly a week to get around to writing this review, no, it isn't because the movie was so god awful that it left me shell-shocked and unwilling to write about it for fear of experiencing post traumatic stress. Truth is there's just not a whole lot to write about it. Oh, it is unquestionably one of the year's very worst movies. Total dead air, not a single funny line or sight gag to be found; the wittiest thing in the whole movie is a Speed Racer costume the male lead wears to a party. I'm just not sure it really qualifies as all-time bad. As bad as it is, it's more "this sucks" bad, not aggressively bad, constantly assaulting you mercilessly with one lame joke after another like the 20-minutes of DATE MOVIE and 10-minutes of EPIC MOVIE I once saw on cable before I had to change the channel. In a year that has given us MEET THE SPARTANS I kind of suspect HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE isn't even the worst comedy of 2008. I'm sure there are multiple Razzie Awards in its future, but in all honesty, if not for the societal scourge that is Paris Hilton starring in this crap, I doubt most would really care enough about it to even bother going out of their way to revile it.

Basically, what we have here is a 21st century version of the kind of puerile, ultra low budget, 1980's sex comedy, the kind that used to play in heavy rotation on USA Up All Night back in the Nineties. The whole film has the mindset of such a film but with all the naughty stuff that would give the film an R-rating chopped out and someone along the way forgot to cast Eddie Deezen.

Joel Moore of DODGEBALL and HATCHET stars as perpetual loser Nate Cooper, overacting badly much of the time trying to milk laughs that are not there. After his latest relationship goes south he comes to realize he needs to seek out Cristabelle Abbot, the girl he's been opining for ever since elementary school.

Nate seeks out another childhood friend played by a guy billed in the credits as "The Greg Wilson". This guy comes across like a poor man's Horatio Sanz; think for a second about what that entails. The schmuck just happens to have a file on hand labeled "The Hottie" that's like a CIA intelligence file compiled by an obsessed stalker detailing Cristabelle's every waking move. The friend also warns Nate about the Cristabelle's ugly best friend forever since childhood, June Phigg, or as he calls her, the "nottie", a word the friend consistently pronounces as "naughty" as if every time he says "nottie" he's overtaken by the spirit of Sean Connery.

Nate seeks out Cristabelle, now seemingly the object of every Southern California man's desire. Paris Hilton will make her grand entrance as Cristabelle with a jogging scene similar to Bo Derek's slo-mo beach romp in 10. Paris Hilton is no Bo Derek. Though you probably wouldn't label Paris Hilton a nottie (except on personality), she's just not all that hot, certainly not to the degree we see characters falling over themselves for her in this film. It certainly doesn't help that she only has two facial expressions - one happy and one kind of annoyed - and both seem to convey a profound sense of self-satisfaction on her part.

Despite being capable of having any man she wants, she's instantly taken with this modern day Maynard G. Krebs just because they used to go to school together when they were kids. One problem with any budding romance, Cristabelle has sworn off sex (Paris Hilton swearing off sex? Someone alert the Navy that "Fleet Week" is cancelled this year!) until her BFF, June Phigg, finally gets a date. The problem is that June has grown up into an even more hideous creature that he remembers, now with thinning hair, facial hair, rotting teeth, skin and nails rife with pimples, boils, fungus, etc. Everything short of giving her the late stages of leprosy.

The moment we see the adult June Phigg appear on the screen for the very first time you pretty much know everything you need to know about the mentality and the comedic value a movie like this has to offer. Not just a case of having a girl who isn't particularly attractive, June is just some obviously pretty actress (Christine Lakin, giving a better performance than the movie deserves) they've uglied up to an allegedly comical degree. She looks like the daughter of one of Cinderella's wicked stepsisters and a Geico caveman. Most of the film's failed humor is built around pointing out how hideous June is. It's kind of reprehensible when you stop and think about it. But then this is a movie that considers having one of her grotesque toenails flying off into someone's mouth high comedy.

And, of course, the nottie will eventually get a makeover and become beautiful. And, of course, Nate will come to learn that his hottie isn't all she's cracked up to be either (Cue the Paris Hilton farting noises!) And, of course, Nate will come to realize June is really the one for him. I still don't know which was worse: when the movie tried to be funny or when it tried to be heartfelt.

On a picnic date with Cristabelle, Nate is so determined to get with her that he lies about having a friend who would be perfect for June. When Cristabelle dares ask what this guy's name is, a nervous Nate looks around and declares him to be Cole Slaw... son. Cole Slawson, that's the name he came up with. He'll even end up bribing a hapless dork to play the role of Cole Slawson.

Does hearing the name Cole Slawson sound the slightest bit funny to you? If so, this movie's for you. For everyone else, the level of sophomoric humor found in THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE will leave you longing for the sophisticated comedic stylings of a PORKY'S sequel.

With IRON MAN currently reigning at the box office, seems only appropriate that Halcyon International Pictures would pick this week to post the first trailer for their METAL MAN. This version though owes a bit more to THE VINDICATOR than the Marvel superhero, as a scientist finds himself encased inside a bio-helmet he developed and sets out to avenge those responsible. At least that's what the synopsis on the website said. From the looks of the trailer, it's about a scientist who creates a skinny Kamen Rider/Iron Man lovechild that runs around putting bad guys in a ranger choke hold. Still looks world's better than anything The Asylum has come out with in a long time. Checkout the METAL MAN trailer for yourself (Quicktime only).

METAL MAN TRAILER

Happy Cinco de Foyo!

Sorry my Mexican friends, I'm afraid I'm co-opting your little fifth of May holiday today and officially declaring it Cinco de Foyo. What better way to celebrate Cinco de Foyo than with the premiere of a new Foyeurism. This month's is entitled STALE LEFTOVERS and, boy, are they ever.

PROM NIGHT
88 MINUTES
10,000 BC

Three of the very worst movies of 2008 and I'll tell you why.

And if you're not up for reading then you can listen to me to call out the two worst television shows on the air and rip into the craptacular UNTRACEABLE via Foywonder.com's new audio player. The opening intro paragraphs will explain this newly added piece of technology and provide the proper link.

Almost forgot to mention that I've also updated the archives page for the first time in almost six months. Almost sixty new Dread Central and blog reviews, as well as fixing some broken review links and correcting some review files that had display issues.

Plenty to read so dig in!

MAY FOYEURISM: STALE LEFTOVERS

How do you make an action adventure movie that offers almost nothing by way of action and is completely devoid of any sense of adventure? The Asylum found a way.

The movie is ALLAN QUARTERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS, The Asylum's INDIANA JONES AND THE KINDGOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL mockbuster that got its start as a straight-up adaptation of KING SOLOMON'S MINES until Asylum head David Michael Latt decided original screenwriter Matthew Thornbury's script wasn't "A-list enough" and rewrote the whole thing himself and transformed it into a static tale devoid of everything one watches a movie like this for. I know this little behind the scenes tidbit because Thornbury emailed me a short while back after stumbling upon a blog posting I did regarding The Asylum. As Thornbury told me, it's difficult to write a script when you're being told to "keep it as close to the book as possible" and at the same time getting notes from the boss telling you to change this, this, this, this, and this, such as being told to "change the lion into a griffin that is the guardian of the mountains". And then, after writing multiple drafts, Latt decided to do his own page one rewrite and churned out a script that owed very little to the source material. Thornbury isn't with The Asylum anymore and doesn't bode them any ill will, but, like several other ex-Asylum employees I been in communiqué with, they wish David Michael Latt would realize that his constant meddling in the creative process is not to his movies' benefit. It damn sure didn't prove to be a good thing in the case of ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS.

"We need to make it action-packed" was another of Latt's notes. Given the movie I just watched I can only assume that either this was sarcasm on Latt’s part or he simply does not comprehend the definition of "action-packed". The action within the first hour consisted of a very brief foot chase, a brief shootout, and a scene where the good guys escape aboard a very slow-moving train while the bad guy in an equally slow-moving car gives chase. Not even laughably bad, that train chase was just embarrassing to watch. About the only action during the last half hour will be a brief scuffle between dueling adventurers at the very end. This is the extent of the film's action - few, far between, and not worth the wait. I fully realize The Asylum's low budgets limit what they can do but this was simply pathetic.

I kind of suspected this film was going to be a boring and uneventful when it began with a six-minute pre-title sequence in which absolutely nothing of interest happened and what little did happen shouldn't have taken longer than a minute or two to play out. The pace did not pick-up from there.

I will say that the film's crisp photography and lush yet low rent visuals mixed with the obvious cheap attempts at generating a look of period authenticity populated by actors mostly better when they're not heard gave the whole production the veneer of a higher end History Channel reenactment segment, the sort of thing a narrator should have been talking over while actors play out a small chunk of the bigger picture being explained in order to give viewers at home a visual guide to work with. The Asylum are quite proud of the fact that they filmed this one on location in South Africa and even got actual Zulu tribesmen to participate. So what? They shot most of their CLOVERFIELD knock-off, MONSTER, in Japan and look how well that turned out (REVIEW HERE). Just like MONSTER, both films have positively nothing going on.

Enter H.R. Haggard's legendary adventurer Allan Quatermain - looking more Crocodile Dundee than Indiana Jones - as he prepares for a another treasure hunting adventure. Is he doing it for the history? No. Is he doing it for the thrills? No. Is he doing it for the fame? No. Is he doing it for the fortune? Yes. To be more specific, he gets a telegram informing him his son will be booted out of school unless they get paid the 10,000 pounds they're due. ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS: the tale of the lengths one kid's father will go to just to pay his son's private school tuition.

To be perfectly honest with you, I can barely recall what passed for a plot. I know it involved Allan Quatermain teaming up with a pretty woman and a young guy in possession of a map said to reveal the location of King Solomon's mines and its lost treasure while being pursued by an unscrupulous rival treasure hunter with a menacingly expressive face worthy of a Scooby Doo villain. Their journey nature walk will involve an unfathomable amount of droning exposition and all the hiking you can stand. Eventually they'll be captured by an African tribe and then find an ancient mountainside temple that's loaded with treasure matte paintings. Quatermain and his rival will have a fist fight amid an earthquake digital effect. Before any of them had reached the temple I'd already reached for the remote.

Imagine my disappointment that the "griffin that is a guardian of the mountain" didn't make the final cut of Latt's "A-list enough" script. But we do get a really intense scene where stock footage of a rhino stares at them and then... Well, it walks away and nothing comes of it. The most imaginative element of this unimaginative bore was a glove a tribesman used that looked a bit like Freddy Kruger's glove if Freddy Kruger was the Creature from the Black Lagoon. When applied to a victim's forehead Von Erich Iron Claw-style, it somehow allowed the wearer to rip that person's skull clean out with little effort. Hey, at least that was something to momentarily break-up the deadly dull monotony of all the endless walking, talking, and not doing anything at all exciting.

At this point one has to wonder if the problem is intentional sabotage or gross incompetence on David Latt’s part. I'm going to assume he does not set out to sabotage his own films which must mean gross incompetence is the root cause of most of The Asylum's quality control woes. Here's a novel idea for Mr. Latt: how about you actually show some faith in your writers and, you know, actually let them do what you hired them for. They may not pen any instant classics, what they write may not be "A-list enough" for everyone's tastes, but I'm willing to bet at this point that whatever they come up with will be better than what you come up with because judging by ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS you're not coming up with anything. It's like you're this entertainment succubus who sets out to suck the entertainment value out of your own films.

It's reached the point now where it's not just snarky online critics like me who are taking notice that the Asylum's brand name is synonymous with cheap, boring, and all-around crappy knock-offs. The middle-aged clerk at Blockbuster who checked me out, the moment he saw The Asylum logo on the back of the DVD case, he let out a groan and actually felt compelled to give me a warning. He started talking about how cheap and awful Asylum movies are, specifically singling out THE DA VINCI TREASURE and ALIEN VS. HUNTER as being particularly terrible ones he’d watched.

That clerk then screwed something up when ringing up my rental that led to me getting to rent ALLAN QUARTERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS for nothing. Can't say I didn't get what I paid for.

It's no surprise that Speed Racer nostalgia is getting built up with the release of the big budget psychedelic big screen movie just a few weeks away. I would say "Speed Racer mania" except I don't get the sense that's quite catching on. Word I've read online is that the new SPEED RACER movie, regardless of whether or not it's actually any good, isn't tracking very well amongst the target kid demographic, doing better with people in my age demographic and older who fondly remember the original show from their youth. I'm one of those adults who can lay claim to having rushed home after school to watch Speed Racer. In my case, for a brief period of time, I'd get home just barely in time for the start of Speed Racer which was immediately followed on its channel by Ultraman. Great times!

I don't think I've watched an episode of Speed Racer since I was in the second grade though I still have a tremendous affection for the show's classic theme song. Too be honest, I'm still not totally sold on this new movie. With IRON MAN and the return of Indiana Jones all coming within a few week's time of one another and SPEED RACER's unique visual look possibly proving to be more of a turn-off for some, it wouldn't be at all surprising if the summer box office race proves to be the one race where Speed Racer gets left in the dust.

It's also no surprise that with a new movie based on an old cartoon coming out that a brand new animated version of that show would get trotted out. Speed Racer: The Next Generation debuts on May 2nd for the NickToons network, a channel I honestly had never even heard of until now. That's probably because I'm a guy in his thirties, and as one who likes to think he's still a kid at heart, this animated show is a bit out of my age range. It's kind of hard for me to watch a cartoon like this aimed at kids without looking at it with an adult mind that can't help but ask certain pertinent questions, such as why is there such a thing as a racing academy, why are teens barely old enough to get a drivers license racing cars, and just how the heck is that whole virtual racing aspect even remotely feasible?

SPEED RACER: THE NEXT GENERATION - THE BEGINNING is the DVD Lionsgate will be putting out on May 6th of what I assume will be the premiere episode of the new series. The DVD packaging describes it as a movie but in actuality it clocks in at barely 66-minutes. Despite the imagery you see on the box art, the animation is primarily of the tradition 2-D variety. The cars and the racing scenes, however, are done using 3-D computer animation. There'll be some additional digital environments used, but I can still safely say there's less CGI used in this than in the Wachowski's upcoming movie version.

It opens with a cover version of the Speed Racer theme song that I found to be a bit grating on the ears due to it being performed by a band from the Linkin Park music school of screaming lyrics into a microphone. I much prefer the more true-to-form yet still rockin' version performed by Sponge (Whatever became of them?) on that album that came out years ago with all those cover songs of cartoons of the Sixties and Seventies.

Picking up years later, we learn that Speed Racer went missing long ago, as did his famous car, the Mach 5, for reasons that won't entirely be explained in this introductory movie. He had a son named X who is now the top jock at the racing academy who has turned out to be quite an egotistical jerk unlike his famous father. A new student arrives named Speed, an orphan who never knew his true parents; his only two parental belongings being a red scarf just like the one Speed Racer used to wear and a car key on a chain he wears around his neck. I think you can already see where this is going.



Speed Racer's precocious kid brother, Spritle, who was always getting into mischief with his pet monkey in the original series, is now all grown up and the headmaster of the racing academy. Spritle is voiced by Peter Fernandez, the voice of the original Speed Racer and Racer X 40 years ago. The mischievous monkey Chim-Chim even returns in the form of a robotic monkey built by mechanical wiz Conor, which will come to serve the new Speed in an almost R2D2 capacity.

The guy responsible for the academy's existence is the villainous Zile Zazic, the uber rich head of a mega corporation - either fuel or car related, never specified - and an old-time nemesis of Speed Racer. His teenage racing daughter, Annalise, is a spoiled brat who'll assist her scheming father as things progress.

Now given all the images of Speed Racer (and Racer X) on the walls at this racing academy and the near god-like reverence with which the name Speed Racer is spoken by many a student, including newcomer Speed's roommate, Conor, a spastic and more obsessive Speed Racer fanatic, I'm kind of surprised this racing academy didn't have a giant gold statue in the likeness of Speed Racer somewhere on the grounds where daily prayer services were held. And then low and behold, we'd soon come to see that they do indeed have a giant Speed Racer statue on the grounds; it just wasn't gold and only Conor seemed to worship at its feet.

Speed's first qualifying race will see him driving a junker that looks like the BACK TO THE FUTURE DeLorean if it had been buried under a mudslide for a few decades; it'll literally fall apart on him. Lucky for him, that key around his neck is practically magical; a late night trip to a nearby car graveyard in search of parts will lead to him uncovering the remains of the Mach 5. Fortunately for Speed, Conor rebuilds it. Unfortunately for Speed, he wrecks it in the very next race with a jealous X. Fortunately for Speed again, that key contains blueprints for the Mach 6, which will also play into the semi-explanation as to what became of his father. Unfortunely for Speed, Mr. Zizac is not happy about any of this.

It didn't take me too long before I came to realize the direction the makers of Speed Racer: The Next Generation were shooting for owed as much to Harry Potter as it did the cartoon on which its based. The racing academy is more or less Hogwarts. This new Speed is essentially a race car version of Harry Potter. Best friend Conor is like a more hyperactive Ron Weasely, even down to being a clumsy redhead. New female friend Lucy has a proactive, somewhat bossy attitude, much like Hermione. Annalise and her father are Draco and Lucious Malfoy. Annalise is even flanked by a pair of bumbling dimwitted lackeys much like the younger Malfoy. Spritle is Dumbledore. The only "x" factor in the mix is X, who'll undergo a personality shift for the better once it's revealed that he and Speed are long lost brothers.

Another twist is the addition of virtual racing, in which a Stargate-like structure arises from the track for racers to drive thru at full speed and be transported to a virtual race track - more like an entire virtual racing world - that initially looks like something straight out of TRON. Later virtual races will recreate a variety of race track environments, such as mountainside roads and glacial terrain. Cars can still be wrecked and drivers potentially injured before they come out the other side and cross the finish line. As I said earlier, my adult mind couldn't help but ponder the sheer implausibility of this very concept. And if you ask me, the first race that didn't involve the virtual race track was the most exciting.

Also complicating races at the academy is the inclusion of combat cars described as "computer driven monsters with the artificial intelligence programming of great white sharks - and just as dangerous." Looking like something more befitting Jayce & the Wheeled Warriors than Speed Racer, the combat cars are like monster trucks with robot shark faces complete with snapping metallic jaws and a variety of weaponry.



Though SPEED RACER: THE NEXT GENERATION - THE BEGINNING is lively and good-natured and will most likely satisfy kids who've never seen nor heard of the original series, my biggest problem was the complete lack of any sense of adventure. The original Speed Racer had international intrigue going for it like Johnny Quest. If it had just been racing for the sake of racing the show wouldn't have been nearly as memorable. This intro movie is confined to solely the racing school so it lacks any real sense of adventure. Virtual racing environments don't cut it for me; that'd be like an X-Men cartoon where everything is confined to Professor X's school and the Danger Room. I was very mildly entertained (I again state I'm way too old for this sort of thing) and younger kids will probably be entertained too as long as they're already racing fans or into cars in general. But as an ongoing series, if it doesn't broaden its scope and soon this Speed Racer is going to run out of gas real fast.

Extras on the DVD include a very nice "making of..." segment that's really more about the conceptualization of the news series than the animation process and even then it actually spent more time waxing nostalgic for the original series than it did talking up this new version. Also included are character breakdowns of every single character so detailed that they all but spell out the whole story of the movie on the DVD without even having to watch it.

And lastly, included on the DVD is a virtual racing game that simply calls for one to click arrows on their DVD remote (and not many too boost) to maneuver the Mach 6 in a race against X. I think even preschoolers will be a bit disappointed when they realize it'll have taken them longer to go through the two very brief instruction challenges than it will to play the ridiculously short race which has no repeat value since there's no variation. I'll stick with Mad Dog McCree, thank you very much.

Now as we've all come to learn, the director of House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, In the Name of the King, and the upcoming Postal really has become something of a modern day carnival barker when it comes to self-promotion - or maybe he's just insane. Who can really tell anymore? This is the guy who called out internet critics to face him in the boxing ring and, being a trained boxer, proceeded to pound the ever-loving snot out of the foolish web critics who took him up on his offer.

Lately, in promotion of the May 22nd release of his politically incorrect video game-inspired comedy Postal, he's been talking up the movie in interviews and bizarre online rants, especially after someone started a petition to get Boll to stop making movies, tirades almost along the lines of a pro wrestler cutting promos on his hated opponents. In recent weeks he's hurled insults at such Hollywood personalities as Spielberg, Harrison Ford, George Clooney, Gus Van Sant, and so on. One filmmaker in particular that Boll had some choice words for was Michael Bay.

"I think he’s really bad. And I think the point is, if you get $250 million for every movie you do, how you gonna make a bad looking movie, with bad sound, bad special effects, whatever? But everything dependent on directing is bad in his movies. And so I think it’s kind of absurd, how some people are getting counted like they are geniuses or whatever. But the reality is that in a lot of these $150 million movies, the real credit deserves to the special effects people. Or the second unit crew."

Amazing, the blockbuster filmmaker actually took the time to respond by posting the following on his blog:

"I find people who rant like that - calling shit about both me, and George Clooney - comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being.

When you ask "do I care"? Not in the slightest."

Now with all due respect to Mr. Bay, if you really don't care in the slightest then I don't think you would have bothered to respond at all. You don't see Steven Spielberg or George Clooney posting online messages responding to Boll's comments about them.

Boll, however, does care and contrary to Mr. Bay's psychological assessment, Boll is more mad than sad. Now he has officially called out the director of Transformers and Armageddon, challenging the king of ADD action sequences to lace up his gloves and meet him in the boxing ring. You can surf over to the website Movieset and watch a short video of Dr. Boll issuing the challenge in his own words or you can just read the text of what he had to say below.

"Hi, here’s Uwe Boll and you see my outfit so you know what’s coming up now basically. Michael Bay responded to my note about him in a very insulting way for me. He said that he doesn’t care about me and this was very insulting because I care about him and I think that with the money he has for his movies, he sucks big time. I think it’s time to meet in the ring actually.

So it’s my message to Michael Bay, Michael, in between your pool parties in LA or your casting sessions with the strippers you should start training now. And I’m sure you look good, you look thin. I saw you at the Hollywood Film Festival, I think you’re a fit guy and you do like private karate Asia bullshit crap fighting stuff in LA where you think you’re super cool that you do that with your 500 bucks per hour trainer.

So let’s meet in the ring in September or October. Pay-per-view. Mandalay Bay. Las Vegas. Twelve rounds of boxing. Boll against Bay.

It’s also independent against the studio system and I think that this day in Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas we will clear it up who is not only the better director who is also able to fight more for that what he wants.

OK Michael, if you see that message I expect that your people contacting me, it will be all arranged. We even make money with it, and so let’s go for it. Boll against Bay. It’s on."

So will Michael Bay take the bait?

Will we get a director vs. director boxing match on PPV this October?

Will the current reigning king of blowing shit up on film agree to step into the ring with the man who currently wears the crown as the king of shit films?

The biggest question of all: who is the audience supposed to root for?

One thing is for certain, if Bay does take the bait, there's no doubt that his ring entrance will involve massive amounts of pyrotechnics.

Boll vs. Bay: the filmmaking fight of the century!

Stay tuned, fight fans, for further updates!

The brand new belated Earth Day edition of Dinner For Fiends: Nature Runs Amok is now up for all to enjoy. Almost 75-minutes of myself (I was also the brainchild behind doing this particular show) and Dread Central cohorts Johnny Butane and Kryten Syxx (no Uncle Creepy this time around so the level of vulgarity was down about 5000%), and special guest David Rosiak, the co-writer of the upcoming Hallmark Channel miniseries SHARK SWARM, discussing the vast nature gone amok genre. We'll be talking about, praising, and panning over 100 classic, infamous, and obscure killer animal movies. We'll also take a few moments to sling some mud at the pathetic PROM NIGHT remake that just came out. I urge you to give a listen to this really fun podcast - with a great opening theme song, I might add, and you can even make a drinking game out of it by taking a shot whenever Butane says "Nice!" any of the 10 million times he does so. A special thanks to the wonderful French website Agressions Animales for helping me compile the massive list of films I used for the show.

Did I mention that this Dinner For Fiends concludes with me doing a dramatic poetry reading? Wait 'til you hear that. Click the link below.

DINNER FOR FIENDS: NATURE RUNS AMOK

When I read about movies like this I find myself wondering if anyone in Hollywood keeps a track record of all the various large scale bombings, natural disasters, comet and asteroid strikes, extraterrestrial assaults, and occasional giant monster rampages that have impacted New York City on film so that when the next enterprising filmmaker comes along wanting to destroy NYC in a movie they can go right to that document and make sure they aren't laying waste to the Big Apple in a manner that hasn't been done before - or at least not recently.

This time the destroyers are MarVista Entertainment and their instruments of destruction are tornadoes. The movie is NYC: TORNADO TERROR. Judging by the artwork MarVista has cooked up maybe they should have called it TWISTERFIELD. The artwork also dares to use the "Inspired By True Events" line. How so? I think I would have heard about this if it had happened.

Sebastian Spence ("Narcho" on a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica) and Nicole de Boer ("Star Trek: Deep Space Nine", "The Dead Zone) star as the only two people in the world who might be able to save New York City from tornadic damnation.

"Accelerated global warming has caused the earth’s upper and lower atmospheres to separate and the resulting friction between the atmospheres generates powerful tornadoes and deadly electrical storms the likes of which have never before been seen on earth. Similar to the red spot on Jupiter, a giant jet-stream vortex has centered over Manhattan. Several swarming tornadoes manifest from the vortex and descend on the city. The twisters cut a path of destruction so devastating and unpredictable it sends New York into a frenzy. Now, in a race against Mother Nature, Deputy Mayor James Lawrence and his meteorologist wife, Cassie must quell their own marital disaster, and discover a way to calm the tornadoes· fury. With no end to the storm cycle in sight, Jim and Cassie will go above and beyond the call of duty in order to save the Big Apple. But they better act fast, because 24 more hours of this super storm and the greatest city in the world will be history!"

1) "Blame it on global warming" really is becoming a crutch for lazy screenwriters, isn't it?

2) Speaking of lazy screenwriting; thank goodness the horror of watching this potential meteorological apocalypse unfold will be balanced with the some feel-good feuding husband and wife bickering and making up.

3) If a red spot similar to Jupiter's super storm ever forms anywhere on Earth, forget super tornadoes - anything below that spot is screwed six ways from Sunday regardless.

4) Now exactly what part of that synopsis formulates the "Inspired By True Events" line? If it turns out to out to be the squabbling lovebirds aspect I'm going to have no choice but cry foul.

Given it has a title that makes use of a colon, the director is Tibor Takacs (ICE SPIDERS, MANSQUITO, MEGA SNAKE), and the premise sounds both far-fetched yet formulaic all at the same time, I'm willing to go out on a limb and guess NYC: TORNADO TERROR may end up finding its way to the Sci-Fi Channel before it's done.

Hard as it might be to believe, 100 MILLION BC is actually a fairly entertaining if inconsequential b-movie saddled with some spectacularly z-grade effects work. I was never once bored while watching 100 MILLION BC and that is something of a minor miracle given The Asylum's track record. That alone also makes 100 MILLION BC more fun than Roland Emmerich’s $100 million 10,000 BC.

Despite its title, 100 MILLION BC has next to nothing in common with Emmerich’s overblown suckfest. Instead it's more of a sci-fi adventure that for a good part of its running time harkens back to many a monster movie of the 1950's, the sort where a team of explorers searching an uncharted frontier find themselves facing menaces of the unearthly or prehistoric variety. I found it hard not to be reminded of such similar Fifties features like THE LAND UNKNOWN and KING DINOSAUR.

Looking quite a bit like longtime character actor Colin Fox, Michael Gross of TREMORS and "Family Ties" fame stars as Dr. Frank Reno, a brilliant scientist who has spent the last 60 some odd years guilt ridden over his part in the failed wormhole experiment - expect numerous references to the fabled Philadelphia Experiment - that saw a team of soldiers get zapped back to the Cretaceous Period with no chance of rescue. Not even the discovery of prehistoric cave paintings with the message "FRANK, IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT" provides little comfort for his guilty conscience, especially considering two of those lost to time were his older brother, Erik, and a pretty nurse he'd had a thing for.

If you're thinking to yourself that Michael Gross doesn't seem old enough for someone said to have been working for the military back in the 1940's, well, you'd be right. But the filmmakers do have a cheat to try and explain it - Frank Reno was a child prodigy who graduated from MIT when he was 12 and went right to work for the US government.

Might as well mention that Greg Evigan ("BJ & The Bear", "My Two Dads") also appears in the utterly thankless role of a military commander who is there to greet the SEAL team, instruct them to listen to Dr. Reno, wish them bon voyage, welcome the returning ones back, and finally give us the traffic helicopter report of what's going on during the finale. Not much of a role for someone whose name is being used to help sell the film.

Now, in 2008, Frank is finally getting a chance to try and rescue those lost men and women. Because wormholes are not an exact science, Frank and the accompanying Navy SEAL team will arrive in 100,000,000 BC six years after the others did. Acid-spitting plants, dinocrocs, pterodactyls, and raptors will make their trek perilous.

Speaking of wonky science, much concern is raised on Frank's part regarding potential paradox problems. I'd say it's a little late for whining about creating a paradox once you're discovering prehistoric cave messages written in English. If not, then the thought of future scientists discovering and carbon dating machine guns lost back in Cretaceous period should really make it a moot point.

For that matter, if these soldiers from 2008 had to take special pills to help them adapt to the oxygen quality of 100 million year old air, then why would anyone assume those other soldiers are still alive?

Soon they will find survivors existing much like the way humans were portrayed in Battlefield Earth. Those 1940’s troopers really were troopers; six years fighting to survive in a land before time with no guarantee they would ever be rescued and yet they all seemed remarkably upbeat about the whole ordeal. Brother Erik (Mr. Blue Lagoon himself, Christopher Atkins) in particular takes it all in great stride, chalking it up as a grand adventure and remarking to his reunited brother how much he's looking forward to seeing another whole new world in 2008 when they get back.

There'll be no time to celebrate their rescue or marvel at the modernity of 2008 or even a chance for anyone to take a decent shower because a big hungry carcaradontosaurus (i.e. think T-Rex only bigger) also made it thru the wormhole. They nickname it "Big Red" based on the hue of some of its skin pigmentation.

100 MILLION BC's second half has "Big Red" roaming the surprisingly desolate streets of downtown Los Angeles while Atkins and his bunch run around either trying to escape from the dinosaur, distract the dinosaur, or get the dinosaur to chase them so they can lure it into a potential trap. Any which way you cut, the second half mostly consists of a whole lot of running around on the part of the principle actors and the man-eating dino. I'd be lying if I said it didn't get a tad monotonous, certainly not as fun as the first half was. I'd also be lying if I said it didn't remind me more than a little of similarly goofy stuff seen in last year’s DTV dino-in-LA flick THE EDEN FORMULA (REVIEW HERE).

Whether or not the CGI dino effects of 100 MILLION BC are superior to that of The Eden Formula's "Land of the Lost" T-Rex puppetry is a matter of debate. These special effects are definitely special only in a short bus kind of way; the computerized dinosaur creations were so cartoony looking I couldn't help but be bemused watching them in action. Another scene even had the actors standing in front of the rear projection of a Los Angeles freeway tunnel, the footage of which must have been rolled backwards because one replay worthy moment saw a lone SUV inexplicably drive past them going in reverse for no discernable reason.

Strange as this might sound to some, I felt the laughable effects, paper thin plot and characterizations, and screwy science actually contributed to the film's lightweight entertainment value in much the same way many of those 1950's sci-fi flicks, and with a zippier pace too. If you're the sort of person who looks back on films like THE ANGRY RED PLANET with affection then you'll probably find something to enjoy about this diverting throwback to 1950’s sci-fi dino flicks from ex-Asylum standout Griff Furst.

Hokum? Yes. But acceptable levels of hokum.

"...NEVER BACK DOWN, the hard-hitting (in more ways than one) drama depicting the struggles of a young man who loves to fight yet wants to stop fighting yet cannot stop fighting yet knows deep down that the only way he can finally stop fighting is to continue fighting. Much like the film's martial arts, the message is also mixed."

If I do say so myself, I'm quite proud of the first 4-5 paragraphs of this review which I think are amongst the best stuff I've ever written. This one's a real humdinger alright. You don't want to back down from this month's Foyeurism so click the link below!

APRIL FOYEURISM: NEVER BACK DOWN

Is STREET RACER an Asylum mockbuster trying to capitalize on the release of SPEED RACER or is it a really late to the party FAST & THE FURIOUS knock-off?

"After recovering from a tragic accident, a former street racer struggles to redeem himself and join the elite racing world."

Notice the "Based on true events" line on the artwork? What true events? As in there are idiots out there actually street racing and this movie is based on that? Well, duh.

Street date: May 27, 2008

An isolated town. A military quarantine. People coming down the sniffles. People turning into flesh-eating zombies that sprint about even faster than the ones in DAWN OF THE DEAD did; Miner speeds up the film footage to such a ridiculous degree that he might as well have begun blasting Yakety Sax on the soundtrack. These zombies must have also been bitten by a radioactive spider somewhere along the way given their inexplicable ability to do acrobatic flips and crawl along ceilings. Call me old fashioned but I just don't believe zombies should ever be portrayed as being more limber and dexterous than a werewolf.

As is usually the case, a small band of characters are forced to fight off the zombies as they flee for their lives. If you're familiar with the original DAY OF THE DEAD you'll be happy to know the action takes place in an underground bunker - but only during the last 15 minutes. As a remake, it's an abomination. As a zombie flick taken on its own merits, it's still total crap. So unimaginative is this film, the final scene boils down to the last survivors riding off into the sunset and then a lone random zombie pops its head up to roar at the camera.

The whole film is just a sloppier version of the same old, same old with characters that give the term "one-dimensional" a bad name - though not as one-dimensional as some of the CGI - reciting some of the most reprehensibly insipid dialogue in recent memory. Even the gore (Zombie heads automatically explode upon coming into contact with fire?) is half-assed. Despite having better production values than your typical low budget zombie movie and Steve Miner (FRIDAY THE 13TH PARTS 2 & 3, HALLOWEEN H2O, LAKE PLACID) being adept enough to keep things moving at a brisk pace, every aspect of this remake gives off the foul odor of a quick and cheap cash-in on the part of producers that never gave a damn about even trying to make even a halfway decent movie. There's a reason why this DAY OF THE DEAD is going to be bypassing theaters and going straight to DVD. It ought to just go straight to the Sci-Fi Channel where it belongs. It was co-produced by Nu Image and filmed on location in Bulgaria, after all.

You may happen to notice Ving Rhames' name in the credits and on the poster. You may remember he starred in the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake. He does not play the same character and there does not appear to be any common link between the two films other than both being remakes of George Romero zombie flicks. Rhames' military commander character here has little screen time or dialogue. It's painfully obvious that the only reason for casting Ving Rhames in this throwaway role was to try and fool potential viewers into believing this DAY OF THE DEAD is a direct sequel to the DAWN remake. Even The Asylum has never been that shameless.

It should tell you how ridiculously young the casting skewers when the eldest major character of the cast is played by AMERICAN BEAUTY's Mena Suvari. Suvari is ridiculously miscast as a tough Army soldier who ends up having to leading a small group of survivors consisting of her irresponsible kid brother (ALL THE BOYS LOVES MANDY LANE's Michael Welch), his hot blonde girlfriend (Nip/Tuck's AnnaLynne McCord), a lovesick soldier named Bud (the wonderfully named Stark Sands) who has the hots for Suvari even after he eventually becomes zombified, and a constantly wisecracking young black soldier so pervasively obnoxious in a racial stereotype sort of way that he bypasses annoying and teeters shamefully close to entering jigaboo territory. He's played by Nick Cannon. I desperately wanted to see him shot out of one.

Despite its title, given the youth of the primary characters, the reliance on painfully bad one-liners, an overall feeblemindedness, this DAY OF THE DEAD remake feels like it should have been the latest lamest installment in the RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD franchise. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 6: BEATING A LIVING DEAD HORSE, that’s what this should have been titled.

The only thing about this DAY OF THE DEAD remake I can recommend is to recommend you go rent HOUSE OF THE DEAD again instead of this.